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Recovery

14// recovering since 20/8/13 // life is to be lived not controlled

lonelygiraffe17:

Trusting people is becoming hard

Keeping my grades up is becoming hard

Feeling pretty is becoming hard

Thinking happy thoughts is becoming hard

Doing work is becoming hard

Maintaining a friendship is becoming hard

Doing everything is becoming hard and I don’t like it

For a while I just thought it was just a bad week, that I was just feeling sad. I didn’t understand what was happening to me, I was loosing myself and I became so very isolated. Nothing made sense to me anymore, I couldn’t concentrate in lessons, I was loosing friends one by one and I would cry myself to sleep everyday. It was a routine and it was then I realised this wasn’t a bad week, this was my mind taking over me. I had days where I felt numb as fuck and I had days where I felt everything at once, I had days where I couldn’t physically get myself out of bed, I had days where I’d rather sit in the bath and drown. My head became loaded with these negative thoughts and eventually I became very fragile, my head would always hurt and my heart would beat faster then it should, my legs would shake and I was always biting my nails, I felt so lost and I didn’t know why. It felt like someone had come up and ripped every bit of happiness out of me and the only thing I could do was try and get it back. But it took days, weeks, months, years and yet 4 years later I’m still fighting to get the person I used to be. The hardest part was having to force my self to go to wake up even though I had no physical strength. I had to train my self that I don’t have a choice, and it worked but it killed. Even buttoning the buttons on my shirt killed me. I had no motivation, no strength, I was just a walking disaster, I felt absolutely useless. Eventually I became so fragile that I was scared to look at myself in the mirror, I was scared to see what I’ve done to myself, what happened to me, i had galaxies in my head that I wouldn’t let shine. I just wanted to be okay, to be happy, to feel something. I wanted to feel like a normal person, live a normal life. But I couldn’t, because depression took over who I was and left me trying to pick myself up. When I began on medication it became an addiction, I loved it. I was feeling less sad, I was feeling less tired, I was feeling happier and the moment I realised it became an addiction I had to stop. And since them I’ve been recovering from it. 14 months recovery of a mental illness which took over my life 4 years ago. I’m feeling a little more positive then I’ll ever feel. I’m happy, I’m smiling, and so should you.

(via tear-dropped)

For a while I just thought it was just a bad week, that I was just feeling sad. I didn’t understand what was happening to me, I was loosing myself and I became so very isolated. Nothing made sense to me anymore, I couldn’t concentrate in lessons, I was loosing friends one by one and I would cry myself to sleep everyday. It was a routine and it was then I realised this wasn’t a bad week, this was my mind taking over me. I had days where I felt numb as fuck and I had days where I felt everything at once, I had days where I couldn’t physically get myself out of bed, I had days where I’d rather sit in the bath and drown. My head became loaded with these negative thoughts and eventually I became very fragile, my head would always hurt and my heart would beat faster then it should, my legs would shake and I was always biting my nails, I felt so lost and I didn’t know why. It felt like someone had come up and ripped every bit of happiness out of me and the only thing I could do was try and get it back. But it took days, weeks, months, years and yet 4 years later I’m still fighting to get the person I used to be. The hardest part was having to force my self to go to wake up even though I had no physical strength. I had to train my self that I don’t have a choice, and it worked but it killed. Even buttoning the buttons on my shirt killed me. I had no motivation, no strength, I was just a walking disaster, I felt absolutely useless. Eventually I became so fragile that I was scared to look at myself in the mirror, I was scared to see what I’ve done to myself, what happened to me, i had galaxies in my head that I wouldn’t let shine. I just wanted to be okay, to be happy, to feel something. I wanted to feel like a normal person, live a normal life. But I couldn’t, because depression took over who I was and left me trying to pick myself up. When I began on medication it became an addiction, I loved it. I was feeling less sad, I was feeling less tired, I was feeling happier and the moment I realised it became an addiction I had to stop. And since them I’ve been recovering from it. 14 months recovery of a mental illness which took over my life 4 years ago. I’m feeling a little more positive then I’ll ever feel. I’m happy, I’m smiling, and so should you.